/Belle de Jour's Guide To Men
Book Preview by Belle de Jour
Belle de Jour was the working and writing nom de plume of former London call girl, Brooke Magnanti. Scientist by day, and escort by night, Belle wrote anonymously wrote anonymously of her adventures for the past six years before revealing her true identity last month. She has since published four books, including her latest, Belle de Jour’s Guide to Men. In it, she dishes advice from the trenches in the way that only a woman with the background of a seasoned intimacy expert can.
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In order to be a better hooker, I needed decidedly more:
* Blowjob skills
* Sense of humour
* Sets of matching underwear
than I already had, coupled with significantly less:
* Body hair
* Using the arrival of my period as an all-purpose excuse
* Intolerance for people I wouldn’t ordinarily fuck
than I originally possessed.
But it wasn’t just about the depilation, oh no. There is a lot I learned, both about relationships with lovers and relationships in general, from being a call girl. So maybe someone else can benefit from the knowledge without having to go on the game. I present the main things I learned which may just benefit you:
1. Oral sex skills.
No, it isn’t necessarily the most nuanced item in the sexual bag of tricks, but for sheer bang-for-buck (sorry, couldn’t resist) the good old blowjob cannot be beaten. In a world where double anal fisting is now passé even among suburban grannies, this will always have a place in your sexual repertoire. Always.
As regards oral technique, there is no shortage of guidance on this subject to be found everywhere from shiny women’s magazines to internet fora.However, as we discussed before, there are two main points: saliva and enthusiasm. Whether you trace out the letters of the alphabet with the tip of your tongue on his glans or make like a Dyson and lose no suction is by the by. Just be certain things are well lubed, that you are (or are making a decent approximation of) enjoying it, and the rest should take care of itself.
Also: time expectations. If coming in your mouth is the goal, be aware of this. Many women appear to have calibrated their expectations of time between oral contact and ejaculation on sixteen-year-old boys, and I can assure you, that twenty-second record you are so proud of will not buy you much credibility among the fiftyish-and-Viagra set. Start slowly or risk lockjaw.
N.B. Any man who tries to impress you using the same technique is: a keeper.Marry him.Or at the least keep his number for emergencies.
Index from Belle de Jour's 'Guide to Men'
2. Sense of humour.
This, on the other hand, is the one thing call girls – and real-life girls – need above all else. You can give a shitty blowie, have client after client go soft on you, but a winning smile and a thick skin will see you through every time. There is something to be said for being able to face human men in all their glory with neither surprise nor disgust.
Embarrassing moments happen to everyone, it is a fact of life. While on the one hand there is a certain type of woman who will always set her alarm an hour earlier than her husband so she can get up, apply makeup, and go back to bed, that is neither a healthy nor realistic way to live. Even if it’s only for a hour, and you’re being paid to be the perfect girlfriend, you will fanny fart. Fact. For the Alarm Clock Makeup brigade, this would probably be followed by extreme embarrassment, hiding in a closet, and twelve sessions with a therapist. So what should a well-adjusted woman do? Laugh, do a couple of squeezes to make certain the pelvic floor is in place, and get back to it. If he remembers it at all later, it won’t be the most outstanding part of the evening.
N.B. Any man who tries to impress you using the same technique is: definite friendship material.
3. Matching underwear.
The sine qua non of sexy grooming. It doesn’t matter how expensive the constituent parts are, if they don’t match, it will look like you dressed in the dark. While you might think this is acceptable in a Real Relationship, it will absolutely positively NOT lead to repeat business in the professional sphere. Which leads me to believe that most men would like to see sexy frillies on their girlfriends, not just hookers and hos. So as tempting as cute panties might be…invest only if there is a matching bra (or you plan to go commando on the upper half).
N.B. Any man who tries to impress you using the same technique is: since men can’t really have matching underwear, not applicable. Clean is a good start though.
****
Copyright © Belle de Jour, 2009. Extracted from Belle de Jour's Guide to Men by Belle de Jour. Published by Orion priced £10.
This, on the other hand, is the one thing call girls – and real-life girls – need above all else. You can give a shitty blowie, have client after client go soft on you, but a winning smile and a thick skin will see you through every time. There is something to be said for being able to face human men in all their glory with neither surprise nor disgust.
Embarrassing moments happen to everyone, it is a fact of life. While on the one hand there is a certain type of woman who will always set her alarm an hour earlier than her husband so she can get up, apply makeup, and go back to bed, that is neither a healthy nor realistic way to live. Even if it’s only for a hour, and you’re being paid to be the perfect girlfriend, you will fanny fart. Fact. For the Alarm Clock Makeup brigade, this would probably be followed by extreme embarrassment, hiding in a closet, and twelve sessions with a therapist. So what should a well-adjusted woman do? Laugh, do a couple of squeezes to make certain the pelvic floor is in place, and get back to it. If he remembers it at all later, it won’t be the most outstanding part of the evening.
N.B. Any man who tries to impress you using the same technique is: definite friendship material.
3. Matching underwear.
The sine qua non of sexy grooming. It doesn’t matter how expensive the constituent parts are, if they don’t match, it will look like you dressed in the dark. While you might think this is acceptable in a Real Relationship, it will absolutely positively NOT lead to repeat business in the professional sphere. Which leads me to believe that most men would like to see sexy frillies on their girlfriends, not just hookers and hos. So as tempting as cute panties might be…invest only if there is a matching bra (or you plan to go commando on the upper half).
N.B. Any man who tries to impress you using the same technique is: since men can’t really have matching underwear, not applicable. Clean is a good start though.
****
Copyright © Belle de Jour, 2009. Extracted from Belle de Jour's Guide to Men by Belle de Jour. Published by Orion priced £10.
- 12/01/2009
