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/Putting Out
Why Wait
I don't wait to have sex. I've heard the advice that it's best to wait, that it's best to form a connection with the object of your affection in every area before you move to the bedroom. And I've heard that men don't respect women who put out, and that women form connections differently from men because of their chemistry, and sex makes girls bond and boys flee, and so on.
I've never found this to be true.
I think I tried waiting once. It was unintentional - things were going well enough with the man I was seeing, but for one reason or another, we weren't able to go back to my place or his. We went out a few more times, but eventually we just drifted. So my one brush with waiting didn't work out.
In every other circumstance, I've had sex at the first opportunity. A few of those were one-night stands, most developed into short-term and long-term relationships, and a few developed into strictly sexual relationships. When I think on my past, I can't think of any relationship where I've regretted having sex immediately, though I can think of several instances where I was very glad that I did.
I can think of one case where we connected on so many levels that I wanted to dismiss the awkwardness in the bedroom. He was an attorney, charming, attractive, very engaging, but the sex was off. As with all sex, I don't believe it was him, just us, our chemistry and compatibility. But I liked him, I respected him, and I wanted it to work, so I tried very, very hard to see if something could be salvaged. He was more inhibited than I was, restrained, uncomfortable around sexual topics (let alone my sexual fantasies), so I tried to adapt, to scale down my own tastes to some happy, neutered compromise. But our sexual disconnect got worse with time, and then it gradually affected how we related to one another. Eventually, it fell apart.
Sexual chemistry can deepen or recede, but when it's absent to begin with, there's not much that can be done. That's the sort of thing I want to know on a first date.
And when I think back on the relationships that worked, the one thing they all had in common was powerful sexual chemistry at the outset. It made me recognize and value the power of non-verbal, tactile communication, which is why I've come to compare sex to conversation. When it's there, and it's good, I feel a solid bond form. But when it's absent, I feel increasingly distant.
I've never found this to be true.
I think I tried waiting once. It was unintentional - things were going well enough with the man I was seeing, but for one reason or another, we weren't able to go back to my place or his. We went out a few more times, but eventually we just drifted. So my one brush with waiting didn't work out.
In every other circumstance, I've had sex at the first opportunity. A few of those were one-night stands, most developed into short-term and long-term relationships, and a few developed into strictly sexual relationships. When I think on my past, I can't think of any relationship where I've regretted having sex immediately, though I can think of several instances where I was very glad that I did.
I can think of one case where we connected on so many levels that I wanted to dismiss the awkwardness in the bedroom. He was an attorney, charming, attractive, very engaging, but the sex was off. As with all sex, I don't believe it was him, just us, our chemistry and compatibility. But I liked him, I respected him, and I wanted it to work, so I tried very, very hard to see if something could be salvaged. He was more inhibited than I was, restrained, uncomfortable around sexual topics (let alone my sexual fantasies), so I tried to adapt, to scale down my own tastes to some happy, neutered compromise. But our sexual disconnect got worse with time, and then it gradually affected how we related to one another. Eventually, it fell apart.
Sexual chemistry can deepen or recede, but when it's absent to begin with, there's not much that can be done. That's the sort of thing I want to know on a first date.
And when I think back on the relationships that worked, the one thing they all had in common was powerful sexual chemistry at the outset. It made me recognize and value the power of non-verbal, tactile communication, which is why I've come to compare sex to conversation. When it's there, and it's good, I feel a solid bond form. But when it's absent, I feel increasingly distant.
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Gustavo Cisneros
When my boyfriend, Gabriel, and I met, we slept together. Later he said something about avoiding girls who put off sex until the third or fifth or fifteenth date, and I asked him why this is, because I feel the same way. His response was, "Because I don't have time to date and wait... why waste time waiting?"
And it's true: I wouldn't wait to see if I can hold a conversation with a man. I wouldn't wait to see if a man treats me badly. And I wouldn't wait to see if we have chemistry. Because if we can't connect and if we can't have great sex, then there's not much to be gained from going forward. I've tried that in the past. I've told myself, "It'll get better." Now, I don't believe it does.
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Photo by Gustavo Cisneros. You can find more of his work at www.gustavocisneros.com.mx.
- 05/11/2009
