/Sexual Restraint from a Woman Who Lacks It
Self-Denial
Article by debauchette
I lack sexual restraint. Philosophically, I don’t see the point in it. I’ve never viewed sex as a precious act to be cordoned off from experience. I prefer to fuck on the first date. I make sex a priority because men feel more open and less ‘on’ with me after sex - I can get to know them better, and I’m sure I’m more open with them as well. And since sexual chemistry is important to me, it’s something I’d like to know right away. Delayed sex tends to be glorified sex, and while there can be glory in sex, I find that in the chemistry and connection between two people, not in the act itself.
I also lack restraint when it comes to masturbation. In the beginning, it took me many highly motivated attempts before I could make myself come, so at first, it was arduous. Once a man put a vibrator in my hands - a cheap plastic thing, back when cheap plastic things were the only option, and sold in dark, windowless shops - masturbation quickly fell into my life as part of a routine. Masturbation, to me, doesn’t compete with sex. It’s a separate experience, a less exciting experience, but still a pleasurable one.
So I’ve lived without sexual restraint for most of my life. I’ve maintained multiple sexual relationships and I’ve collected toys for my own enjoyment. I’ve had friends I could call for a quick fuck, and relationships defined more by the sexual chemistry than by the depth of emotion. It wasn’t until I was forced to tease and be teased without gratification that I learned the erotic value of restraint.
Fetish work, which I’ve been writing about in my column, had all the highly charged erotic energy of foreplay without the release of sex. I hated it at first, the tease of sitting in a room with a man for an hour or two, re-enacting some sexual fetish or fantasy, only to leave without release. It was torture to me - annoying and frustrating - but over time, that restraint had a powerful effect on my body. Through self-denial, my senses were heightened. Where I used to come from hard penetration and a powerful vibrator, now I would come from a few wandering thoughts and a tight cross of the legs.
One of my kink specialties was orgasm denial. These men wanted to come only after I’d given them permission, and that permission was something I was expected to delay. They could edge - bring themselves to the edge of orgasm when they masturbated - but they couldn’t release without my command, and that power excited me. While I happily masturbated once I returned home, these men went home and ignored their erections. Over time, I saw what happened during when they were allowed to come. Their orgasms were overwhelming. Their bodies hummed with sexual energy and desire, and just the lightest touch could bring them off. I wanted that; I wanted to feel what they were feeling. I wanted the same denial without ceding control, so I restrained myself. When I denied them an orgasm, I denied it to myself as well. When I did come, those orgasms left me razed.
I wondered if this was because I’d desensitized my body from too much masturbation, and self-denial allowed that sensitivity to return, so to test this, I put my vibrator
I prefer to fuck on the first date.
So I’ve lived without sexual restraint for most of my life. I’ve maintained multiple sexual relationships and I’ve collected toys for my own enjoyment. I’ve had friends I could call for a quick fuck, and relationships defined more by the sexual chemistry than by the depth of emotion. It wasn’t until I was forced to tease and be teased without gratification that I learned the erotic value of restraint.
Fetish work, which I’ve been writing about in my column, had all the highly charged erotic energy of foreplay without the release of sex. I hated it at first, the tease of sitting in a room with a man for an hour or two, re-enacting some sexual fetish or fantasy, only to leave without release. It was torture to me - annoying and frustrating - but over time, that restraint had a powerful effect on my body. Through self-denial, my senses were heightened. Where I used to come from hard penetration and a powerful vibrator, now I would come from a few wandering thoughts and a tight cross of the legs.
One of my kink specialties was orgasm denial. These men wanted to come only after I’d given them permission, and that permission was something I was expected to delay. They could edge - bring themselves to the edge of orgasm when they masturbated - but they couldn’t release without my command, and that power excited me. While I happily masturbated once I returned home, these men went home and ignored their erections. Over time, I saw what happened during when they were allowed to come. Their orgasms were overwhelming. Their bodies hummed with sexual energy and desire, and just the lightest touch could bring them off. I wanted that; I wanted to feel what they were feeling. I wanted the same denial without ceding control, so I restrained myself. When I denied them an orgasm, I denied it to myself as well. When I did come, those orgasms left me razed.
I wondered if this was because I’d desensitized my body from too much masturbation, and self-denial allowed that sensitivity to return, so to test this, I put my vibrator
Ana Cuba
away. I decided to stop masturbating for a few weeks to gauge whether I’d been missing out on the joys of a sensitized, masturbation-free body. When I buckled and brought myself off, the orgasm was powerful and deeply satisfying, and I did feel more sensation. But this is the question: was it the sensitivity of my body or was it my state of mind? Because by depriving myself of this act, I became acutely aware of its absence. By not masturbating, I wanted to masturbate. If you were to tell me that I couldn’t have sex for a month, I’d fixate until I could come with a stroke of the hand.
I found that this intensity comes with sexual tension and delayed gratification. Self-denial in and of itself isn’t enough. Stress, travel, a busy schedule will all distract me from my libido, and when I do get the time to indulge in my own body, my orgasms are never remarkable. The intensity seems to come only after I’ve been suspended in a state of heightened desire and frustration over a period of time, when I’m wanting and wanting and wanting.
I've written about a client I had when I worked in fetish, someone I wanted to fuck but couldn’t because I was a fetish worker, not a professional fornicator (yet). His kink was body worship and sensual wrestling, so our sessions were about teasing and prolonged physical contact. His arousal brushed against my legs and hips; I pinned him down and spread my thighs over his face. We wrestled within the limits of our permitted contact, which meant we could touch but not penetrate, tease but not release. I wasn’t used to being aroused and then denied sex - I was used to sexual convenience, from men, from vibrators, from g-spot dildos. I was used to a certain degree of control, where, once my body was throbbing for release, I could reach for the cock in front of me. But with Brian, I couldn’t - neither of us could - because we weren’t allowed to, so we touched and teased, and when our time was up, we walked away throbbing. Each time, we were desperate to come, and each time we edged closer until finally, in the privacy of an hotel room, we did come. That was the closest I’d come to experiencing the cataclysmic orgasm my submissive clients experienced, one that comes after prolonged foreplay and cultivated desire.
This can be easily recreated in a relationship. Replace sex with foreplay for a few days, and not the light, affectionate foreplay of kissing and hugging, but the heavy foreplay of naked contact, wandering hands, a teasing mouth. It will be infuriating at first - it might be infuriating throughout - but that’s the point. Cultivate that desire, push it, and deliberately delay gratification. When you do have sex, you’ll know what I mean. I still lack sexual restraint from a philosophical perspective, but from a sexual one, I think it can be a powerful choice.
I found that this intensity comes with sexual tension and delayed gratification. Self-denial in and of itself isn’t enough. Stress, travel, a busy schedule will all distract me from my libido, and when I do get the time to indulge in my own body, my orgasms are never remarkable. The intensity seems to come only after I’ve been suspended in a state of heightened desire and frustration over a period of time, when I’m wanting and wanting and wanting.
I've written about a client I had when I worked in fetish, someone I wanted to fuck but couldn’t because I was a fetish worker, not a professional fornicator (yet). His kink was body worship and sensual wrestling, so our sessions were about teasing and prolonged physical contact. His arousal brushed against my legs and hips; I pinned him down and spread my thighs over his face. We wrestled within the limits of our permitted contact, which meant we could touch but not penetrate, tease but not release. I wasn’t used to being aroused and then denied sex - I was used to sexual convenience, from men, from vibrators, from g-spot dildos. I was used to a certain degree of control, where, once my body was throbbing for release, I could reach for the cock in front of me. But with Brian, I couldn’t - neither of us could - because we weren’t allowed to, so we touched and teased, and when our time was up, we walked away throbbing. Each time, we were desperate to come, and each time we edged closer until finally, in the privacy of an hotel room, we did come. That was the closest I’d come to experiencing the cataclysmic orgasm my submissive clients experienced, one that comes after prolonged foreplay and cultivated desire.
This can be easily recreated in a relationship. Replace sex with foreplay for a few days, and not the light, affectionate foreplay of kissing and hugging, but the heavy foreplay of naked contact, wandering hands, a teasing mouth. It will be infuriating at first - it might be infuriating throughout - but that’s the point. Cultivate that desire, push it, and deliberately delay gratification. When you do have sex, you’ll know what I mean. I still lack sexual restraint from a philosophical perspective, but from a sexual one, I think it can be a powerful choice.
- 12/01/2009
