/Advice

I’m interested in someone who isn’t emotionally available (what else is new) and all my friends are telling me to just let him go and find someone else. He’s a great guy though, and I’m really attracted to him. We’ve been out on a few dates and each time I’m more attracted to him. Are emotionally unavailable guys always a dead end? Any chance there are exceptions?


It depends on whether it’s temporary or a hard-wired personality trait. And it depends on what you want from him.

Some people are emotionally unavailable because they’ve just come out of a long relationship and don’t have the strength to start a new one. Or they're dealing with a lot of heavy shit in their lives. Or they just slow to open up. But then, some people are all ego, and dating is more a matter of keeping score than it is about an emotional connection. And some people are emotionally unavailable because they're not really into you.

I think of emotional unavailability as a red flag, something you should be aware of but not necessarily reject outright, which would depend on what you want out of the relationship. If you’re looking for a multi-dimensional, emotionally fulfilling relationship right now, then this guy is probably going to make you miserable. But if you just want to hang out and get laid, or if don’t mind going at an easy pace and taking things as they come, then you should be able to tell if you're dealing with someone who just moves slowly, or someone who's just interested in fucking until someone better comes along.

That's the hitch with emotionally unavailable men (and women).  They could be closed off for any number of reasons.

A few words of caution: don’t think that you can change him and don’t assume that he’ll change on his own. He might change. He might open up. Don’t bank on it. I’ve seen relationships in which the woman’s waited, and waited, and waited, thinking there would eventually be that great heroic moment when her emotionally barren